Relationship

How to Know If Your Relationship Would Pass The Test of Time

Everyone, no matter how bad you think the person is, deserves to be in a relationship. However, the reality of the matter is that not everyone is able to stay in one. Even with the several articles on red flags on a first date, people still go into relationships which do not eventually pass the test of time. So, on one hand there are things to watch out for before dating a person and on the other hand there are factors that can help you make an informed decision before you eventually say “I do”.

A broken relationship, it has been said, is better than a broken marriage. Sometimes we don’t choose whom we fall in love with but we choose whom we stay in love with. In other words, you don’t stay in love with someone by mistake, it’s a choice. To buttress this point, Jessica Bunevacz says ‘relationships are not all about fun and good times, but all relationships are work’. In light of this, we would examine a few factors to consider in determining if your relationship would pass the test of time.

Upbringing

Family background and the way you were raised play a pivotal role in how you develop relationships with friends and folks. Truthfully, it’s hard to get a guy and a girl who were raised by a single parent and both parents respectively, to think the same way. This is because people usually bring their family experience to bear in relationships. The guy on the one hand who was supposedly raised by a single mother would definitely have a hard time being a Father because he never really had someone teach him how to be a father. Not being able to accept the effect of each other’s family experiences and make the most of them is a clear sign that your relationship is headed for the rocks.

How You Communicate With Each Other

Communication in a relationship is without doubt a key indicator of how long a relationship would last. Sometimes we mean what we do not say and other times say what we do not mean. In other words, the tone we use in communicating with our partner is used in determining meaning. For example, as simple as saying ‘Are you alright” could mean different things to different people. While one hand one person could feel that you are asking them if they’re mentally stable, another person could see it to mean that you’re simply asking if they have any form of general ailment. In 2015, some Engineers created a program that can predict how long a relationship would last based on ‘tone’. After analyzing hours of a couple’s speech, focusing on things like pitch, intensity, and acoustic warbles, they found out that not just the words you say, but how you say them are very important in determining the lifespan of your relationship. Stephanie Kriesberg says, in the event of a problem, we should learn to complain to each other and not criticize each other. For example, A complain would be ”I thought we had agreed to fix our wedding for next year, why the sudden change of plans”, while criticism would be ”So you think I don’t deserve to have a say in when our wedding would hold, how can you just change the plan when we had agreed on a certain date”? However, we should learn not to complain too much because it’s unhealthy for any relationship.

How You Express Jealousy

In every relationship, there’s surely going to be some form of jealousy (which sometimes snowballs into suspicion), especially from partners who are very emotional. However, jealousy is not as bad as people make it seem sometimes. According to a study carried out in 2013, it was discovered that jealousy is linked to positive relationship outcomes because it has a way of making people commit. Also, even the Holy Bible says God is a jealous person (Exodus 20:5). You may say it’s a different kind of jealousy but it tells you that there’s a good side to jealousy. Anyways, that’s a topic for another day. However, jealousy assumes its toxic state when you allow it go uncontrolled. I remember the story of a guy whose girlfriend called and asked where he was and after telling her he was in his car, she asked him to honk. Like seriously! WTF is that. For me, that’s jealousy taken overboard. The crux of the matter is jealousy drives relationships, albeit when handled in a matured way.

How You Make Sacrifices For Each Other

It goes without saying that one hallmark of a long and lasting relationship is your ability to make sacrifices for each other. Dr. Elizabeth Trattner calls it the ‘Jelly Bean’ test. You should ask yourself questions like is my partner willing to give up nicer things for the relationship? Is my partner willing to both share and sacrifice what they love (not just like) for me? It’s no strange thing that guys like to hang out with guys (especially to watch football) and girls like to hang out with girls (especially at the saloon) but are both of you willingly to put your relationship first at all times and your individual pleasures (which may include work sometimes) after? The bitter truth is you cannot really claim to love someone if you don’t love them at least as much you love yourself. The ability to continually make these sacrifices has far-reaching effects on how long you guys would be together.

The Approval of Your Friends

I know this seems pretty insignificant, especially with all the talk of ‘you don’t have to allow the words of people talk you out of something, if you believe it, go for it’. Yeah, I know, I say that to but just as the bible says “wisdom is the principal in thing”. I’ve also always said balance is a key factor in everything we find ourselves doing. A study carried out in 2001 by psychologists from Purdue University showed that people in love tend to predict that their relationship would last longer than it actually would. This is because most times (if not all the time), love tends to cloud our sense off thinking. People in love have the tendency to think with their heart and not their head but outsiders like friends and acquaintances, sometimes turn out to be more accurate in predicting how long a relationship would last, since it is assumed that they have a clearer mind on issues concerning your relationship.

Generally, nobody knows exactly how long a relationship would last. We can only make informed assumptions based on observations. Having a successful relationship requires a whole lot of work from both partners. It is to this effect that the theory of the six-question (how long have you guys been together, what is your relationship status, what is the age gap between both of you, highest level of education attained, how many relatives you see every other month, how many children between two and five years live with you) quiz came about. However, there really is no perfect way to determine what makes for long and lasting relationships but these factors and more are important in guaranteeing you a successful relationship.

Would love to hear you share your thoughts on this topic.

 

 

 

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Relationship

How To Have A Great Relationship

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve come across goes thus: “A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning but how well you continue building love until the end”. Thus, the first step in building a great relationship is finding the right person. As such, in bid to avoid a wrong and abusive relationship, some folks tend to look forward to finding the ‘perfect one’ but as you would have come to learn, this is just a myth.

Hence building great and healthy relationships 
requires the coming together of two ‘imperfect’ people who are ready to make a conscious effort to 
create their own kind of ‘perfect relationship’. Against this backdrop, below are traits that make a great 
relationship.

True Love

Even though it takes more than love to sustain a relationship, true love is still a key factor in sustaining a relationship. Overtime, the word ‘love’ has been used confused with ‘lust’, hence some people have 
given up their hope of finding true love because they found themselves in relationships with people who 
didn’t really love them but just had a lust for them, which unsurprisingly couldn’t stand the test of time. 
Thus, you should know that true love will stand the test of time. True love transcends beauty and other 
physical qualities. Any relationship built on material things without true love would surely collapse. Let 
love lead the way.

Trust

Trust is very vital in sustaining a great relationship. Without trust, there will be gross suspicion capable 
of destroying the relationship. You can never have a great relationship with someone who you cannot 
trust. The fact is that you can trust someone without loving them but you can’t build a great relationship 
with someone you don’t trust. Trusting someone doesn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t ask them 
certain questions but when asking sensitive questions you must ensure that you don’t send the ‘I don’t 
trust you’ vibe to your partner. Also, trust when broken takes time to heal, so you have to learn to give 
your partner time to learn to trust you in the event that you break their trust at any time.

Effective Communication

Communication in relationships is very important, as without effective communication, there will be lots 
of assumptions and misunderstanding. You both must be able to express yourself in a way that you will 
both understand. Talk plainly, not in parables. Don’t assume your partner knows what you’re thinking 
when you never said anything to him or her. Don’t assume he or she should know what you’re passing 
through. Talk about your plans and visions with your spouse so that you both are able to align your 
goals. Also, remember that your body language is part of communication in relationships. Thus, when 
you apologise for an incidence, also show it with your body language.

Understanding

One recurring theme you’re likely to hear in a marriage counseling session is the word ‘understanding’.
This is the bedrock of building great and healthy relationships because if you understand your spouse
you’re more likely to be accepting of their shortcomings. No couple has exactly the same needs at any
time or feels the same intensity when they do occur. Whether it’s about sexual frequency, social
attachments or family obligations, it is important that you do not invalidate the desires of your partner.
In other words, understanding each other helps you to have respect and honour for unequal desires.
Understanding your partner also helps you to trust them better as well as avoid allowing seemingly little
issues lead to a mountain of problems. This factor can also bridge any form of communication gap, as
some partners who are introverts may tend to struggle with be open always. However, when you
understand your spouse, you would appreciate his or her uniqueness as well as be patient with them.

Forgiveness

According to Mark Twain, a man known for writing good relationship quotes, forgiveness is the
fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Thus, it’s important to note that no
matter how much you both love and care for each other, times will come when you will offend each
other and have some form of disagreement over issues. You should know that holding a grudge against
someone can be a very heavy burden and you’re just going to be hurting yourself. This factor is one of
the major pieces of relationship advice handed down to couples during relationship counseling sessions.
Learn to discuss and settle differences. Discuss not argue. Don’t hold on to past errors and mistakes. No
one is above errors. Having an unforgiving attitude leads to bitterness, strife, hatred, and lack of trust,
which are all great relationship killers and create room for an abusive relationship. It is important to
note that bitter relationships never get better.

One of the most commonly asked relationship questions during marriage counseling and relationship
counseling sessions is the issue of what makes for a great relationship. It’s often said that sometimes we
don’t choose whom we love but we choose whom we stay in love with. Thus, fostering a great
relationship requires constant efforts from both parties in a relationship.