Relationship

How to Know If Your Relationship Would Pass The Test of Time

Everyone, no matter how bad you think the person is, deserves to be in a relationship. However, the reality of the matter is that not everyone is able to stay in one. Even with the several articles on red flags on a first date, people still go into relationships which do not eventually pass the test of time. So, on one hand there are things to watch out for before dating a person and on the other hand there are factors that can help you make an informed decision before you eventually say “I do”.

A broken relationship, it has been said, is better than a broken marriage. Sometimes we don’t choose whom we fall in love with but we choose whom we stay in love with. In other words, you don’t stay in love with someone by mistake, it’s a choice. To buttress this point, Jessica Bunevacz says ‘relationships are not all about fun and good times, but all relationships are work’. In light of this, we would examine a few factors to consider in determining if your relationship would pass the test of time.

Upbringing

Family background and the way you were raised play a pivotal role in how you develop relationships with friends and folks. Truthfully, it’s hard to get a guy and a girl who were raised by a single parent and both parents respectively, to think the same way. This is because people usually bring their family experience to bear in relationships. The guy on the one hand who was supposedly raised by a single mother would definitely have a hard time being a Father because he never really had someone teach him how to be a father. Not being able to accept the effect of each other’s family experiences and make the most of them is a clear sign that your relationship is headed for the rocks.

How You Communicate With Each Other

Communication in a relationship is without doubt a key indicator of how long a relationship would last. Sometimes we mean what we do not say and other times say what we do not mean. In other words, the tone we use in communicating with our partner is used in determining meaning. For example, as simple as saying ‘Are you alright” could mean different things to different people. While one hand one person could feel that you are asking them if they’re mentally stable, another person could see it to mean that you’re simply asking if they have any form of general ailment. In 2015, some Engineers created a program that can predict how long a relationship would last based on ‘tone’. After analyzing hours of a couple’s speech, focusing on things like pitch, intensity, and acoustic warbles, they found out that not just the words you say, but how you say them are very important in determining the lifespan of your relationship. Stephanie Kriesberg says, in the event of a problem, we should learn to complain to each other and not criticize each other. For example, A complain would be ”I thought we had agreed to fix our wedding for next year, why the sudden change of plans”, while criticism would be ”So you think I don’t deserve to have a say in when our wedding would hold, how can you just change the plan when we had agreed on a certain date”? However, we should learn not to complain too much because it’s unhealthy for any relationship.

How You Express Jealousy

In every relationship, there’s surely going to be some form of jealousy (which sometimes snowballs into suspicion), especially from partners who are very emotional. However, jealousy is not as bad as people make it seem sometimes. According to a study carried out in 2013, it was discovered that jealousy is linked to positive relationship outcomes because it has a way of making people commit. Also, even the Holy Bible says God is a jealous person (Exodus 20:5). You may say it’s a different kind of jealousy but it tells you that there’s a good side to jealousy. Anyways, that’s a topic for another day. However, jealousy assumes its toxic state when you allow it go uncontrolled. I remember the story of a guy whose girlfriend called and asked where he was and after telling her he was in his car, she asked him to honk. Like seriously! WTF is that. For me, that’s jealousy taken overboard. The crux of the matter is jealousy drives relationships, albeit when handled in a matured way.

How You Make Sacrifices For Each Other

It goes without saying that one hallmark of a long and lasting relationship is your ability to make sacrifices for each other. Dr. Elizabeth Trattner calls it the ‘Jelly Bean’ test. You should ask yourself questions like is my partner willing to give up nicer things for the relationship? Is my partner willing to both share and sacrifice what they love (not just like) for me? It’s no strange thing that guys like to hang out with guys (especially to watch football) and girls like to hang out with girls (especially at the saloon) but are both of you willingly to put your relationship first at all times and your individual pleasures (which may include work sometimes) after? The bitter truth is you cannot really claim to love someone if you don’t love them at least as much you love yourself. The ability to continually make these sacrifices has far-reaching effects on how long you guys would be together.

The Approval of Your Friends

I know this seems pretty insignificant, especially with all the talk of ‘you don’t have to allow the words of people talk you out of something, if you believe it, go for it’. Yeah, I know, I say that to but just as the bible says “wisdom is the principal in thing”. I’ve also always said balance is a key factor in everything we find ourselves doing. A study carried out in 2001 by psychologists from Purdue University showed that people in love tend to predict that their relationship would last longer than it actually would. This is because most times (if not all the time), love tends to cloud our sense off thinking. People in love have the tendency to think with their heart and not their head but outsiders like friends and acquaintances, sometimes turn out to be more accurate in predicting how long a relationship would last, since it is assumed that they have a clearer mind on issues concerning your relationship.

Generally, nobody knows exactly how long a relationship would last. We can only make informed assumptions based on observations. Having a successful relationship requires a whole lot of work from both partners. It is to this effect that the theory of the six-question (how long have you guys been together, what is your relationship status, what is the age gap between both of you, highest level of education attained, how many relatives you see every other month, how many children between two and five years live with you) quiz came about. However, there really is no perfect way to determine what makes for long and lasting relationships but these factors and more are important in guaranteeing you a successful relationship.

Would love to hear you share your thoughts on this topic.

 

 

 

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Health, Relationship

8 Types Of Libido That Spouses Have

Why do you lay so much emphasis on sex and sexuality? From my opinion, I think sex is a basic thing; why give so much attention to it?’ This was a question I was asked while I was in South Africa giving a talk on sex and sexual health matters.

The first big misconception many people have is thinking that sex is basic and natural and should not be learnt. It is as a result of this discourse that sex education has long been obstructed as if it is not necessary to understand the mechanisms at which it works. Then again, this has caused a lot of damages to many homes.

In reality, sex is cultural; it is the fruit of a learning process and it is something we all have to learn. Until we start learning, we might not be able to unravel the mechanism behind the female’s sexuality or the way the erection functions.

As such, today, we want to see seven ways couples can enjoy instant raging passion by being able to differentiate various types of libidos. I would advise you read this together with your spouse, so that both of you can find out which area you fall into. So, let us look into the arousal types of libidos.

The Sensual Libido Spouse.
This is a spouse who wants sex to be emotional, connecting and superficially physical. The spouse cherishes love play more than the actual sexual acts. This category of spouses is more of introvert lovers than extroverts. Bu the erotic libido spouses are spouses who want sexto be intense and passionate, at least some of the times. They want to explore all the wondrous varieties of sexual activities that are available. Though they can cope with periods of ordinary s*x, there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling s*x. If you have a strong erotic libido, you get little or no pleasure from low key sex and this might cause problems in the relationship, because your partner might start feeling the pressure to perform at great heights all the time, which is never good.

The Dependent Libido Spouses 
They are spouses who need sex to cope with problems. Sex soothes them and makes them feel better. They are more sexually active when they have to deal with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety, pressure, loss of loved one, when they are sick or troubled. When such spouse does not have an understanding partner, the relationship is always under undue pressure because in such cases, if your partner doesn’t want to do it when you want because you are in an emotional state, you might tend to interpret it as lack of love and care. It would look like she or he is refusing to give you the medicine you need to… feel better. The reactive libido spouses are spouses who care more about the sexual needs of their partner. They sometimes even end up ignoring their own desires if they feel they are not what their partner usually enjoys. These spouses put a lot of effort into foreplay and can only climax once they are sure their wives have.

The Entitled Libido Spouses
These are spouses who assume that it’s their God’s given right to get whatever they want in their sexual relationship, regardless of the feeling of the other partner. Their mindset is, ‘If I want hot steamy sex, I should be given the opportunity to have hot steamy sex and if on the contrary, I want cuddling, my partner should provide me with just that.’ This category of spouses is very influenced by the ideas of sex in movies and books and they think they are entitled to have the same great sex as they watch on the screen.

The Addictive Libido Spouses

Even though this is a destructive type of libido, spouses with this type believe that until they have sex outside their matrimonial bed, they are not having the best of sex. Their problem is that they can’t seem to resist the urge of having sex outside their relationship. It’s not as if they don’t love and cherish their partners, it is just that they are constantly craving for more elusive sex. These spouses are filled with the mirage that marital sex is boring compared to the dangerous allure of doing it with a complete stranger or animal. Like any addiction, you are the one that controls the behaviours and not vice versa. So, instead of destroying your relationship, family, marriage and life, make up your mind to live clean, have a positive mindset towards the best things in life.

The Stressed Libido Spouses.
Such spouses are always on their toes, constantly worrying about their performance and about whether what they are doing is pleasurable or not. They tend to avoid having sex for fear of failure, even though they might still be very aroused. In fact, they kill their sex life before its actual death. These are the people who worry about no or low libido, erectile dysfunction and so on. But if you can take this unnecessary worry off, you can enjoy the sexual pleasure wholeheartedly.

The Disinterested Libido Spouses 
These are spouses with naturally low libido. They practically have no physical or emotional problem with having sex; they just seem not to be in the mood. If you’re one of those, you might develop feelings of guilt and defence because you’re not able to satisfy your partner. However, you must accept that you have not chosen to be a disinterested libido type. But for the sake of your spouse, you must learn the act of building your libido just as when people go to the gym to build up their body muscles.

The Detached Libido Spouses
These are spouses who usually feel sexual desire but are too preoccupied with other life issues to seek marital s*x. Being overwhelmed by financial or work pressure, you might think that sex is the last thing on your list right now, but be aware that this attitude does more wrong than good to the relationship. The compulsive libido spouses are spouses who have one main sexual body object or image object that triggers their sexual arousal. That is, a particular feature or shape or image in their spouse’s body is the only thing that will arouse them. For such people, just mere looking at the bosom of their spouse or the smell of their spouse’s underwears or the shape of their spouse’s vulva or man-hood or their spouse’s moaning or the colour of their spouse’s underwear, could trigger their arousal.

Zero Libido Spouses
This category may also have spouses who previously had good or enough libido for satisfying s*xual relationship but along the way, some illness or aliment that were either not well treated medically, eventually had an effect on their libido. Such ailments include mumps, which is in most cases, a childhood infection. This infection is usually a virus infection which most of the time, has no medical cure, and as such, treatment is being given according to the symptoms it presented per time. When a male child is not well protected against these mumps infection, the resultant effect is usually that the virus would spread all over the body and would damage the testicle, scrotum of the male child. Unfortunately, the damaging effect is impotency. Sometimes, erectile dysfunction does not usually present itself until when the man is an adult or a young adult. And one of the ways the man feels the effect is when he doesn’t have a feel of libido at all.

Funmi Akingbade

Motivation, Relationship

Celebrating You

Photo Credit: Baudville

No doubt most of us have been sated with oft-repeated stories of slaves of eons ago who were freed and their captors drowned; tales of children who were meted inhumane treatment by their so-called families and who later became benefactors to those same families; graphic illustrations of poor souls who rose dramatically from penury to prominence; dullards and dropouts who began to dominate different fields with astonishing breakthroughs. We have been inundated with heroic motivational speeches of some fellows meteoric jump to the top, and we all wish to be like those world-renowned figures of the past or the present. But why?

No, this writer is not against having lofty aspirations and even vaulting ambitions, and day by day we work (or at least think) in the directions of our expectations. We are encouraged to have foresight, insight, hindsight, high-sight, website. We are urged to memorize quotable quotes so as to ponder upon and recite at some imaginary plebiscite that goodness-only-knows about in the future. The number of sights, -sites and cites seems endless, and in the fast-paced world of this 21st century jet age we all wanna emphasize the human factor above the impersonal functioning of computers and robots because we fear for our jobs, even though we ourselves do make use of machines of different sorts because there is so much work to do and so little time to do it. 

The result: STRESS!
Stress is what happens when we refuse to take a pause. We push ourselves and let others push us too hard, forgetting that no one is indispensable. We feel so insecure about ourselves that we pretend before our colleagues at work, before our friends at play, and even before our families at home. But…hey, one reason you were able to grow up is to be able to celebrate your freedom to chart your own course. Nobody does it any better, and if you do not come to a point where you call the bluffs of the world and say, like the funny quip, Abeg, I cannot come and go and kill myself away, you will be the ultimate loser.

Here, then, is my advice: Take the time out. Visit that fancy place of which youve always dreamed. Buy up that house. Find that work (job or vocation) that gives you rest of mind. Return that ill-gotten money. Hang out with that person who means so much. Throw that party that has hitherto been mere wishful thinking. Join that club. Play that sport. Quit doing anything that keeps you in bondage. If it takes working extra hard in order to leave that prison and reach the palace, then do it. Enjoy yourself; life is too short. A famous quote says, If you dont like where you are, MOVE; you are not a tree (emphasis mine). The rewards far outweigh the cost when you live your life ultimately Celebrating You!