Relationship

5 Reasons Why Some Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

Recently, there has been an upsurge in the campaign against abusive relationships. Despite the warcry against women staying in abusive relationships, some of them still choose to stay. I’ve really pondered and asked myself why some women choose to remain under such circumstances. Here are possible answers to the question on my mind:

1. Money: This seems to be about the greatest raison d’être that makes some women remain in broken relationship. They wrongly believe that it is better to suffer in wealth than to laugh in poverty.

2. No Where To Go: This especially applies to women who marry men in another country (possibly better than theirs) and move over there with him. They tend to manage the domestic abuse for the want of a better life where they are and possible lack of another place to stay in that location.

3. Inferiority Complex: Truthfully, some women stay in abusive relationships because they find themselves in an unfortunate situation where not too many men like them and the man they are with seems to be the only person who has ever shown them love but happened to have changed overtime. They forget that they can and will find love again, if only they decide to give love (outside the abusive relationship) another chance.

4. Fear of the Negative Effects of a Broken Home On Their Children: Some women believe that every child should be given the chance to experience both fatherly love and motherly love because a father and a mother both have different roles to play in the life of a child and it is almost impossible for one person to play both roles. Also, some women are not totally certain that they would be given full custody of the child or children, however the case may be. Now, a broken home sure has its negative impacts on the life of any child, albeit its not the best option.

5.Foolishness:This list would not be complete without this point. Aside from all the possible “beautiful” reasons for staying in an abusive relationship, some women stay as a result of intense and ample foolishness.

Whatever your reason is, however beautiful your excuse may be, staying in an abusive relationship is not and can never be an ideal thing to do because the negative effects (both on you and the kids) far outweigh the so-called ‘good’ reasons for staying in an abusive relationship.

Shun Imprudence!!!

Be Wise!!!

Say no to domestic abuse!!!

Quick Facts

  • Statistics gathered indicate domestic violence causes almost 100,000 days of hospitalization, 30,000 emergency room visits, 40,000 trips to the doctor every year, and 50% of all homeless women and their children are fleeing domestic violence.
  • In batterer’s groups over 50% of battering men came from backgrounds where the male in their family was either very violent or controlling.
  • 94% of victims are under age 18
  • 80% are under age 30
  • Less than 20% of battered women seek medical attention after any injury from abuse
  • Center for disease control estimates that out of 223 cases reviewed where battered women killed their abusers, 75% were in the middle of confrontation or assault
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Relationship

The Fine Art of Pretence- V

Impedance = Z

Well, you know what they say: ‘Whatever has an advantage also has a disadvantage’? Pretence, as fine an art as it is, isn’t any different. Sometimes you’re not so sure something will work. Scientists call it Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, but here we’ll call it the impedance to pretence. Now, let’s go on to look into some factors that could curtail or impede the workability coefficient of The Fine Art of Pretence.

First on the list is KNOWLEDGE. You know that thing about your not wanting to know something because you can’t face it and yet you can’t hide from it? Or how it’s so hard to hide when you think the very person you’re trying to hide from has already seen you? Let’s face it: knowledge is power. Yeah, I know some folks have become so philosophical with that cliché, albeit expectedly, that they now aver that knowledge is power only when applied. I don’t know what more to say to such unreasonable fellows except that it is wrong to criticize what you do not understand. Science says we have two kinds of energy—potential (passive) and kinetic (active) energy. Knowledge not applied is potential energy and knowledge in action is kinetic energy. It’s that simple.

There is something about knowledge that helps the enlightened mind see through a charade. I used to have a lecturer, Mr. Obinta, back then in the university who would say, ‘Let me help you enlighten your ignorance and illuminate your darkness’. And he would really mean it. That’s really the edge psychologists have. You don’t go pretending before a psychologist because they already read you like the palm of their hand the moment you walked through the door. It’s the same thing with people who have been around you for a long while: very few things you do will ever have them taken by surprise. Any new character you try to invent will be mere theatrics; they’re only waiting for you to snap out of it—as you surely will.

It happens a lot with me. My friends know that I’m not the gentlemanly sort, so whenever the ladies around me see me open doors or draw chairs for them, they know it’s just a show. They would always say to stop pretending to be a gentleman (imagine, they don’t even give me a chance to change). At other times, when I start running the sugar-coated edge of my tongue with flattery, they have learnt not to let it get into their heads because the very next minute could witness the other, caustic edge of the sword characterized by sarcasm. The funny thing is, they seem to love me and multiply their presence around me even as much as I pulverize them. That’s a phenomenon I’ve never fully understood, but I intend to cultivate that love till the end of my days. So help me, God.

Next to knowledge is TIMING. If time is life, then timing is living. I remember the story of a man who, being a fugitive from his own country, fled to take up residence in another. (This story is real life and happened in the Middle East.) He was taken before the governor of the city in which he proposed to dwell, and was just sensitive enough to perceive that the chiefs of the city were not favourably disposed towards him. Right there he began to foam at the mouth and simulate increasing levels of insanity until the governor, in a rage, chided them for bringing a mad man before him and ordered him thrown out. That was how he escaped to another city.

You see, timing is closely tied to sensitivity. Whoever has watched a wrestling match between Shawn Michaels and Yokozuna would concur with me on this. Do you recall how Shawn would exert just enough energy to keep himself in the fight and actually allow Yokozuna the pleasure of throwing him to the ground? The grand moment for Shawn was always when Yokozuna, obese as he was, would climb over the ring and make to descend full impact with his buttocks on the former. Shawn would simply dodge and leave, in his wake, a Yokozuna in throes of pain. Shawn climbs over and secures an easy victory when the referee makes three counts and the big man can’t get up. That’s the spirit of timing and sensitivity.

When prepared sensitivity meets..

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Relationship

The Fine Art of Pretence- III

HOW NOT TO CROSS THE LINE INTO STUPIDITY

I have met a lot of stupid people, but none worse than those who either don’t know how to conceal their knowledge and emotions or haven’t learnt how to flaunt it at the right time. These two groups of people are, to me, some of the worst human beings on the circle of the earth. Here’s the reason. The former, like brute beasts, are destroyed by the very powers and prowess they possess. For the latter, they want to please everybody and be the beast of burden.

Earlier we had said a little on quiet people being very dangerous. Now, as sweet as that sounds, it’s not always true. I know about the empty barrel that makes the loudest noise, but hey, even an empty barrel can be coated with thick rubber or leather so that it makes little or no noise. I’ll tell you this: if someone is so often quiet, it simply means they don’t think they have something useful to contribute to the pool of wisdom and don’t want to swell the cesspool of folly either. Or it may mean some even more sinister purpose.

You think I’m not making sense with this? You just study them and try to make some trouble or put them on the hot seat. You’ll see that they aren’t able to respond intelligently when upset; the response will usually be more emotional than rational. Just try it.

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It baffles me that some people can be so naïve, especially women. You got married to this man, he turned you into a punching bag, you kept quiet about it and stayed on in his house until he finally knocked you out. It is when concerned neighbours and friends notice that you’ve suddenly gone missing and organize a search party that they discover you either in a hospital bed or under house arrest, your beauty all but finished. Your morale is at an all-time low, and this time they forcefully take you away amid your muffled protests (you can’t speak loudly because your mouth is in excruciating pain from several blows). Meanwhile, you keep saying, ‘He is my husband. What God has joined together let no man put asunder.’

My sister, let me start by telling you the ugly truth: you’ve taken ‘stupid’ to an all-time high. If ever I happened to be one of those people seeing you in that state, I’d not sympathize with you or rebuke your hubby yet. The first thing I’d do would be to paint before you the very ugly picture of the slave you have become, then afterwards I could go on to give your man the rough tackles he deserves.

Of course, the first thing would be to take you out of there; there’s no point condemning you if I can’t give any practical solution to your problem because talk is cheap. You should, the very first time he laid a paw on you to hurt you (paw because beating a woman makes a beast of a man, except in serious self-defence), have gone to report to your family first, and then to his (I’m being very careful about his family because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree). After that time, be creative with your quarrels such that, the next time there’s one, you have a standby weapon with which to deal him a fatal (but not mortal) blow. Make it fatal so that you have enough time to escape while he’s still weak, but you can’t afford to make it mortal because no one pays for his crimes when he’s dead. If you must make him suffer, let him be alive so that the lessons will endure and you will feel good after leaving the house if you have to. Besides, there’s still chance to reconcile as long as he’s alive; you don’t want to lose that chance, do you?

Whoa, I just said that you may have to leave his house! My dear, if you were truly one flesh with him and he saw you that way, then he’d never do to you what he wouldn’t do to himself. He should love you as he loves himself—save that he’ll not die for you. Oh, what were you expecting? That your man should be able to give his life for you? No way! If he did that, you would get married to someone else sooner or later and all his heroic martyrdom would be but a memory, probably a milestone in your history. For goodness’ sake, let him save his life instead.

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Jeez! I just spent all this time telling you women how to deal with a violent man? You see, gone are the days when we would say, ‘She stoops to conquer’. That was in the era when women had no rights and were simply baby-making machines bought at a bride price and deployed towards bearing and rearing children to continue the family name. Not anymore. In our world today women are prominent in different fields of endeavour. You cannot talk pop without the mention of Whitney Houston or TV talk show without Oprah Winfrey. Here in Nigeria, economic decisions are more or less influenced under the current dispensation by Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. So let’s not pretend that the world is still the way it was. No, things have changed and we must acknowledge the fact. Pretence is only fine when backed up with a sense of integrity and it can stand the test of reality.

By special providence I happen to have a lot of female friends, far more than male (and that doesn’t make me a ladies’ man). All of these ladies are intelligent to the core, but sometimes a few of them just get so gullible and you’d think they were under some hypnotic spell when you see them obsequious enough to eat ‘shit’ (sorry to say). I hate it, but I also don’t like it when people become toothless bulldogs. I’ve heard so many people say, ‘You can’t stand it when I’m angry’, and my response is always, ‘Are you the only one who knows how to get angry?’ Such people are so petulant, pugnacious and prone to throwing up temper tantrums, making much ado over nothing because they really can do nothing. These two groups of people are among the weakest and stupidest beings on the surface of the earth.

You must learn to manage your emotions. Be slow to speak and act but quick to learn. Pretence is about having information and using it when necessary to your advantage. You use it to either reveal or conceal something, depending on the demands of the situation. Silence is golden when the silent one has an advantage he’s waiting to unleash at the right time—and he must actively make that time happen, else he would have successfully crossed the line from pretence to foolishness.

I usually tell people that whenever they see me angry or speaking strongly to someone, it does not always mean that I’m really angry and letting words just fall from my mouth. Sometimes, I say things for effect even if I don’t mean them exactly the way I said them, and even the person will have to acknowledge later that I made sense. There are insults I don’t reply because I have a nobler objective in mind. At other times I could leave a stern warning or do something totally uncalled-for (what the Yoruba tribe in Nigeria would describe as replying a toothpick with a javelin) and it will only be an act of deterrence, not anger.

Here’s my point: you don’t have to wait to be angry before you react. More than that, learn to …

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