Relationship

How to Know If Your Relationship Would Pass The Test of Time

Everyone, no matter how bad you think the person is, deserves to be in a relationship. However, the reality of the matter is that not everyone is able to stay in one. Even with the several articles on red flags on a first date, people still go into relationships which do not eventually pass the test of time. So, on one hand there are things to watch out for before dating a person and on the other hand there are factors that can help you make an informed decision before you eventually say “I do”.

A broken relationship, it has been said, is better than a broken marriage. Sometimes we don’t choose whom we fall in love with but we choose whom we stay in love with. In other words, you don’t stay in love with someone by mistake, it’s a choice. To buttress this point, Jessica Bunevacz says ‘relationships are not all about fun and good times, but all relationships are work’. In light of this, we would examine a few factors to consider in determining if your relationship would pass the test of time.

Upbringing

Family background and the way you were raised play a pivotal role in how you develop relationships with friends and folks. Truthfully, it’s hard to get a guy and a girl who were raised by a single parent and both parents respectively, to think the same way. This is because people usually bring their family experience to bear in relationships. The guy on the one hand who was supposedly raised by a single mother would definitely have a hard time being a Father because he never really had someone teach him how to be a father. Not being able to accept the effect of each other’s family experiences and make the most of them is a clear sign that your relationship is headed for the rocks.

How You Communicate With Each Other

Communication in a relationship is without doubt a key indicator of how long a relationship would last. Sometimes we mean what we do not say and other times say what we do not mean. In other words, the tone we use in communicating with our partner is used in determining meaning. For example, as simple as saying ‘Are you alright” could mean different things to different people. While one hand one person could feel that you are asking them if they’re mentally stable, another person could see it to mean that you’re simply asking if they have any form of general ailment. In 2015, some Engineers created a program that can predict how long a relationship would last based on ‘tone’. After analyzing hours of a couple’s speech, focusing on things like pitch, intensity, and acoustic warbles, they found out that not just the words you say, but how you say them are very important in determining the lifespan of your relationship. Stephanie Kriesberg says, in the event of a problem, we should learn to complain to each other and not criticize each other. For example, A complain would be ”I thought we had agreed to fix our wedding for next year, why the sudden change of plans”, while criticism would be ”So you think I don’t deserve to have a say in when our wedding would hold, how can you just change the plan when we had agreed on a certain date”? However, we should learn not to complain too much because it’s unhealthy for any relationship.

How You Express Jealousy

In every relationship, there’s surely going to be some form of jealousy (which sometimes snowballs into suspicion), especially from partners who are very emotional. However, jealousy is not as bad as people make it seem sometimes. According to a study carried out in 2013, it was discovered that jealousy is linked to positive relationship outcomes because it has a way of making people commit. Also, even the Holy Bible says God is a jealous person (Exodus 20:5). You may say it’s a different kind of jealousy but it tells you that there’s a good side to jealousy. Anyways, that’s a topic for another day. However, jealousy assumes its toxic state when you allow it go uncontrolled. I remember the story of a guy whose girlfriend called and asked where he was and after telling her he was in his car, she asked him to honk. Like seriously! WTF is that. For me, that’s jealousy taken overboard. The crux of the matter is jealousy drives relationships, albeit when handled in a matured way.

How You Make Sacrifices For Each Other

It goes without saying that one hallmark of a long and lasting relationship is your ability to make sacrifices for each other. Dr. Elizabeth Trattner calls it the ‘Jelly Bean’ test. You should ask yourself questions like is my partner willing to give up nicer things for the relationship? Is my partner willing to both share and sacrifice what they love (not just like) for me? It’s no strange thing that guys like to hang out with guys (especially to watch football) and girls like to hang out with girls (especially at the saloon) but are both of you willingly to put your relationship first at all times and your individual pleasures (which may include work sometimes) after? The bitter truth is you cannot really claim to love someone if you don’t love them at least as much you love yourself. The ability to continually make these sacrifices has far-reaching effects on how long you guys would be together.

The Approval of Your Friends

I know this seems pretty insignificant, especially with all the talk of ‘you don’t have to allow the words of people talk you out of something, if you believe it, go for it’. Yeah, I know, I say that to but just as the bible says “wisdom is the principal in thing”. I’ve also always said balance is a key factor in everything we find ourselves doing. A study carried out in 2001 by psychologists from Purdue University showed that people in love tend to predict that their relationship would last longer than it actually would. This is because most times (if not all the time), love tends to cloud our sense off thinking. People in love have the tendency to think with their heart and not their head but outsiders like friends and acquaintances, sometimes turn out to be more accurate in predicting how long a relationship would last, since it is assumed that they have a clearer mind on issues concerning your relationship.

Generally, nobody knows exactly how long a relationship would last. We can only make informed assumptions based on observations. Having a successful relationship requires a whole lot of work from both partners. It is to this effect that the theory of the six-question (how long have you guys been together, what is your relationship status, what is the age gap between both of you, highest level of education attained, how many relatives you see every other month, how many children between two and five years live with you) quiz came about. However, there really is no perfect way to determine what makes for long and lasting relationships but these factors and more are important in guaranteeing you a successful relationship.

Would love to hear you share your thoughts on this topic.

 

 

 

Advertisements
Relationship

Let Them Go

man-standing-at-sea-shore-kenzecares.blogspot.com

​The fact  that someone is part of your history  doesn’t  necessarily imply that they must be part of your destiny. Know when to draw the  curtain.

Whether you realize it or not, people who refuse to grow with you simply can’t go with you. So often we get so caught up in our emotions that we seem to think that just because someone has been by our side for years that we are entitled to take them with us to each proceeding level of our lives. At some point in your life you must realize that everyone can’t go with you to the next level and here’s why:

Some People Are Seasonal Tyler Perry put it best in his hit movie Madea Goes To Jail: Some people come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can’t depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or wind blows in your life they are gone. You can’t be angry at them, it’s just who they are.

man-letting-balloons-go-up-in-the-air-kenzecares.wordpress.com
Photo Credit: Alexis Nyal

Some People Will Only Remember You From Your Past “Remember when…” we all have those friends who always begins their conversations with us using those two words.For many of us it’s often fun to reminisce; however, when you’re on your way to destiny you can’t afford to spend time looking in the rearview mirror. Those who constantly remind you of your past, can’t propel you to your future.

Some People Can’t Handle Where You’re Going. Let’s face it. Not everyone can handle where you’re going and once you settle that within yourself you will stop allowing yourself to get bent out shape over people who walked away. Motivational speaker Tony Gaskins put it best: you’re going to lose some people on the way, but remember not everyone is intended to go with you.

As difficult as letting go of some people can be,  it is an inevitable factor in friendship, when the ship gets heavy.

Relationship

5 Types of Friends You Need

Muhammad Ali will always be remembered for being the greatest champ to step into the boxing ring, but he was also a very enlightened and informed man. One of the many personal insights he shared during his lifetime addressed the worth of friendships. He said,“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.”

His words reflect an importance that lies in our friendships that’s immense, unfathomable, and can only be understood by being a part of one. Our friendships pick us up, carry us further, and come from some of the most unlikely sources . In order to get the most out of our friendships, there are certain types of friends we should have in our lives to round out our social circles.

1. The Caretaker.
We all need a little help now and again and a friend who proudly plays the role of caretaker will never leave you wanting for more support.
Caretakers are the ones who remember the little things about you, who check in on you, and are the first ones to volunteer a helping hand. These sorts of friends are selfless givers who work towards the happiness of others.
Not only does having a caretaker friend benefit your social circle, it also makes you a more compassionate person. Research into understanding empathy has found that exposure to compassionate people causes our minds to match the same level of compassion we are picking up.
Generally kind and giving, caretakers set a good example for the rest of their circles and are just the type of friend you’d want.

2. The Couple.
This two-for-the-price-of-one friendship has a lot to offer to your group of pals.
Being around a loving and supportive couple can offer a healthy example to follow in your own relationships. Their presence teaches how a caring relationship handles both the good times and the bad in a way that is still respectful to both parties.
You can also use the couple in your life to increase your romantic potential. Research has found that newly dating couples who befriend established couples report feeling more “excited, enthusiastic, happy and closer to their partner.” The love lessons alone that you’ll learn from being friends with a couple will make up for all the lovey dovey behavior you may have to put up with from them.

two-friends-smiling-kenzecares.wordpress.com
Two friends taking a picture

3. The Adventurer.
Having someone in our lives who is good at giving us a push in the right direction is a valuable asset.
The adventurer friend is the one who is always up for a new endeavor and is set on taking you along for the ride. They can motivate you to push your personal boundaries, step up your game, or face your fears and, best of all, they will be right their with your throughout the adventure.
Those sorts of novelty adventures have been shown to be good for our health by encouraging wonder and curiosity, both of which benefit our mentalities and the world we live in.
That friend with a spirit that longs for adventure may pull you into a few unusual situations but it’s all a part of the journey.

4. The Planner.
Unfortunately, not all your friendships are built to last a lifetime, but planner friends are guaranteed to stick around.
The planner is the friend who keeps the group together. Life sometimes gets in the way, sidetracking us from certain priorities, causing friendships to suffer . What makes having a planner in your circle so valuable is that they will make it their priority to keep contact up within the group.
Research has found that not maintaining friendships was among the top 5 regrets that elderly patients reported feeling towards the end of their lives. Having a friend who makes staying connected easier will help alleviate the possibility of that burden.
Planners loyally ensure the whole gang stays together through all life’s moments, especially the ones when those friendships are needed the most.

5. The Honest Friend.
As much as we all enjoy hearing assessments of ourselves, we also require the truth, no matter how ugly it may be.
That’s where your honest friend comes in. We sometimes need someone who will be brutally honest with us in a way that is constructive. Without that honest friend keeping it real for us, well meaning “yes men” will give us the truth we want, not necessarily the truth we need, and disaster can strike from misinformation.
Besides gaining the right info from honest friends, they can also up your physical and mental health. Studies have found that living with less lies simplifies your life and helps personal relationships run more smoothly, thereby reducing unneeded stress.

The truth can hurt sometimes, but when coming from a friend, it’s just the sort of authenticity you need. 
As an old saying goes “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”.

Health, Relationship

18+ : 5 Ways To Control Addiction to Pornography, Masturbation, and Sex

Pornography, Masturbation and Sex have overtime, become one of the greatest tools which the devil employs to destroy people. Individuals have thus found themselves helpless and hapless in curbing and controlling their coital urge. Tough as it may be to control one’s sexual desire, here are five things you can do to stem the tide;

1. Talk To God About It: This surely should be the first step in coming out of dire situations. You need to talk to God about it because at the end of the day, He is the only one that can truly help you.

2. Avoid Touching Sensitive Parts of Your Body: Everyone of us has a sensitive part of our body, otherwise known as ‘sexual hot spots’. It is important we know which part of our body turns us on mostly, when touched. Generally, the nipples, penis, breast etc are sexual hot spots. Thus, you should avoid touching the parts of your body that turn you on easily.

3. Avoid Reading and Watching Sexually Stimulating Articles, Images and Videos : Sexual articles or stories create images of sexual scenes in  the mind which in turn stimulate emotions in individuals. The same principle applies to sexually explicit pictures. Similarly, sexually explicit videos (porn) stimulate masturbation and some of them have negative spiritual implications. Thus, they should be avoided.

4. Avoid Friends That Always Talk About Sex: You are what you listen to, a popular adage says. One way to control addiction to sex and sexual content is to avoid gatherings and people that always talk about sex. This is because the more you keep listening to sexual talk, the more stimulated you become.

5. Read Articles/Books and Watch Videos That Can Help You: This is also important as it enables you discover several other ways to control your sexual urge.

Addiction is a pretty normal occurrence in the life of a human being. Never loathe yourself because of your addiction because every problem always has a solution. The big question is are you ready to take pragmatic steps towards applying the solution? The results of the steps you may take would most times,  not yield a complete result immediately because addictions take time to stop.

Relationship

How To Reconcile With An Old Friend

True and good friends are to be treasured because they are not so easy to come by. But in life, we make mistakes because we’re human and sometimes people who love each other and think very highly of each other fall out because of offences from one or both parties.

The loss of such a valuable relationship can be very painful and leave a hole in both lives. Repairing such a friendship and reconciling with your friend will bring healing and help you to get on with your lives better. Even in the event that such reconciliation fails, knowing that you tried helps to provide closure.

Making an effort to reconcile with an estranged friend is a sign of humility and willingness to forgive. It is a venture that is worth the try because good friendships help to alleviate the troubles of life, provide us with support and give us the gift of persons that we can share the ups and downs of life with.

These steps below are suggestions what can be done to bring about reconciliation with an estranged friend:

1. Own Your stuff
Be ready to own and accept your share of responsibility for the break down of the friendship. Even when you can recount the other party’s fault or believe them to be more responsible, your concern is own your faults. This is because pointing out the other’s faults, at this delicate time, will not help the reconciliation process.
Besides that, what is most important is that you own and make amends for your errors if you truly desire reconciliation. However, do not not accept blame that is not yours as this may set your reconciliation on a wrong footing of unbalanced compromise that may later result in resentment and further breakdown.

2. Try To Make Amends
Make amends where you can; apologize,retract any wrong things you’ve said, be the first to request the reinstatement of the friendship. Whatever you can do to restore the relationship (within the limits of reason and morality), do to gain your friend back.

3. Forgive and Move on
Let the past go; you should not keep recalling past wrongs or mistakes at the slightest cause. This will keep reopening old wounds and will not allow your friendship to move forward.

4. Create Something New
Both of you keep changing and keep evolving. Accept the ways in which your needs and relation to one another have changed. Don’t try to force the old friendship; accept the new ways it is unfolding

Motivation, Relationship

Celebrating You

Photo Credit: Baudville

No doubt most of us have been sated with oft-repeated stories of slaves of eons ago who were freed and their captors drowned; tales of children who were meted inhumane treatment by their so-called families and who later became benefactors to those same families; graphic illustrations of poor souls who rose dramatically from penury to prominence; dullards and dropouts who began to dominate different fields with astonishing breakthroughs. We have been inundated with heroic motivational speeches of some fellows meteoric jump to the top, and we all wish to be like those world-renowned figures of the past or the present. But why?

No, this writer is not against having lofty aspirations and even vaulting ambitions, and day by day we work (or at least think) in the directions of our expectations. We are encouraged to have foresight, insight, hindsight, high-sight, website. We are urged to memorize quotable quotes so as to ponder upon and recite at some imaginary plebiscite that goodness-only-knows about in the future. The number of sights, -sites and cites seems endless, and in the fast-paced world of this 21st century jet age we all wanna emphasize the human factor above the impersonal functioning of computers and robots because we fear for our jobs, even though we ourselves do make use of machines of different sorts because there is so much work to do and so little time to do it. 

The result: STRESS!
Stress is what happens when we refuse to take a pause. We push ourselves and let others push us too hard, forgetting that no one is indispensable. We feel so insecure about ourselves that we pretend before our colleagues at work, before our friends at play, and even before our families at home. But…hey, one reason you were able to grow up is to be able to celebrate your freedom to chart your own course. Nobody does it any better, and if you do not come to a point where you call the bluffs of the world and say, like the funny quip, Abeg, I cannot come and go and kill myself away, you will be the ultimate loser.

Here, then, is my advice: Take the time out. Visit that fancy place of which youve always dreamed. Buy up that house. Find that work (job or vocation) that gives you rest of mind. Return that ill-gotten money. Hang out with that person who means so much. Throw that party that has hitherto been mere wishful thinking. Join that club. Play that sport. Quit doing anything that keeps you in bondage. If it takes working extra hard in order to leave that prison and reach the palace, then do it. Enjoy yourself; life is too short. A famous quote says, If you dont like where you are, MOVE; you are not a tree (emphasis mine). The rewards far outweigh the cost when you live your life ultimately Celebrating You!

Relationship

Friendzoning: Give Me All or Let me Go

I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently. We covered a whole lot of subjects, you know, trying to fill each other in on the months lost. And as a lovaholic, i inquired about her love life and her response was: “don’t mind that boy jare, he  thinks I’m still that little girl he tutored for JAMB.” Apparently, my friend had some slight difficulty passing jamb at first attempt, so her well-meaning parents got her this handsome corps member(at that time) to help beat some chemistry equations into her head. Whether it was his good looks or his teaching skills, I do not know, all I know is she passed jamb very well, read a pretty cool course and graduated successfully plus she is a beauty to behold and yet our dear brother hasn’t made a move yet.

I tried probing further to find out what the exact problem was, after a while of what I like to term as “the lovaholic’s interrogation”  I found out that my dear friend had been friend-zoned. Was I surprised, yes of course, back then in school, it was almost as if they were dating, I mean they chatted for hours on end so cheerfully and always involved each other on major decisions of their lives. In fact we felt the reason he hadn’t said the magic words yet was that she was married to her books. Being a very mushy person I had their lives planned out already, from their wedding color combo to her wedding dress to how many children they would have, in fact I had everything planned out. Did I forget to mention how much she loves this guy, I mean the love she has for this guy she just like a copied assignment she just can’t explain it.That serious?, so why hasn’t he given her “THE FULL BAE’S BENEFITS” yet?, that I do not know, but what I told her I shall tell you.

You know some people in our lives will never realize we are the “best boo material” around until they are kicked into that realization. And by “kicked into realization” I don’t mean asking pathetic questions like: “who am I to you” or “it actually time you made this official”, you actually have a right to know where you stand but taking this approach will only lead to either of these two things, losing a potential relationship (if he or she is interested in you romantically) or a friendship (if he or she isn’t interested in you romantically) or even both.

I realized from experience that majority of people caught up in this kind of situation have one problem, which is, they give too much without receiving anything in return. They usually have an overbearing and choking attitude they tag as love which has taken the respect out of their friendship and all they are seen as is a problem solver and nothing more, the exact reason why they can be called up at 12 mid-night to fix a spoilt bulb without much consideration given to their emotions or how inconveniencing that can be for them at that time, these set of persons almost always oblige to such demands with the hope that those they do it for will one day come around to see they deserve the tittle “bae” which almost never happens because humans in general often take for granted people they get on a platter of gold or people who are readily available to clean up their mess, if you doubt my theory simply rate your respect for your tissue on a scale of 1-10 and be truthful about it. Make yourself desirable by not always being at their beck and call, scape out those excesses you call “acts of love” until there is a commitment, if you keep giving them “THE FULL BOO’S BENEFIT” then there won’t be a need for them to step up.

No matter how much you try, some people would just not find you desirable. If this is the case, move on, someone who will appreciate you will surely find you. Remember you are searching for “the one” and not “them one”. Just keep developing yourself.

For all ye “friend-zoners” the lord is watching you all in 3d oh! Repent oh! (lol)